It's been ages since I wrote here. I have so many drafts from my time at Houston in 2015. My mom's first stint for the worst fucking disease in the entire fucking world. And here we are, fast foward to the end of 2019, the end of the decade, and my mom now has terminal cancer.
The idiots at MD Anderson decided to start checking her every year, which for someone with stage 3 seemed like a long time. Then there was the real reason she ended up getting this in the first place: immunosuppresants. How oh how in the world would an educated doctor put someone on remission on a immunosuppresant? That is the most blatant disregard for someone's life that I have ever seen. And MD Anderson knew about it everytime she would get her check ups. No one said, "Um did you know that without an immune system, you can't fight any cancer cells in your body?" Turned out her gastro in PR upped her dosage in December due to an ulcerative colitis attack. Then by May, it was spread all over. That's when the cough started. As soon as I heard the cough, I knew it was back. August we got the news. It was everywhere in her lungs. The doctors at MD Anderson were so positive. " You have stage 4 metastatic cancer!!! But it's ok!" "So is it curable?", "No. But we recommend chemo anyways." But why? "Well, because that is the only thing we can give her." Can we wait until November for my brother's wedding? "No, I would not recommend that." Thankfully we waited and my mom had the most amazing time at Medellin. We had a truly unforgettable family trip. Probably the last we will ever have. Smiling, eating, shopping, dancing, LIVING. This is what needs to happen right now: TO LIVE EVERY DAMN DAY. Once chemo starts it will be weakness, vomiting and bed ridden days. In November, the oncologist here understood the importance of the wedding and was very understanding of us not wanting to start chemo. When my mom left the room and I asked her how much time chemo would give her he said she was too far gone. 5 months? "No. More like 2 months." Well, Dr, it's been two months now and my mom, albeit the tumors have slightly grown, is still alive and still feels fine. But today in her "check-up" he once again reinforced chemo to extend her life. Did he not remember he told me that she would only last about 2 months on chemo. Then what LIFE is he extending? The fear drives these decisions at this time. She nodded. "Yes, I must do that. There is no other choice." The choice of simply living is too risky, yet the truth is that chemo is riskier. We've been so programmed to think that our only path is conventional treatments. We succumb. Simply living is too much of a risk to bear.
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